Some of you wonderful people have asked me that question recently and to be honest I ask myself that everyday.
I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that women before all of this sorrow. I don't know this person in the mirror. She looks back at me with sad eyes, tired eyes. Her hair has gone grey and she has gained enough weight to look unhealthy. Her skin is pale and the smile lines have disappeared. She looks older than she really is. Where has all the joy gone? Where is all her hopes and dreams hiding?
I really don't know who I am anymore and I wonder who I will be when I finally emerge from this cocoon of sorrow, grief and depression? My life as I knew it has forever changed, not only for me but for my whole family.
Depression is a terrible thing, it wraps itself around you and steals your life's breath. It stops you in your tracks and you become stuck in one spot. Everyday problems become insurmountable. You sit alone on the sidelines and watch the game of life but you do not take part.
There are no words, no adjective that are adequate to describe what my Dear Hubby and I are going through each and everyday. We are suffering in our own way. Our pain is the same but different. We have lost so much. We want to help each other but we have both become a little self absorbed in dealing with what life has handed us . All we can do is take each day and do our best. We sprinkle it with love and enclose each day with a hug, We are not ready to let go of all our dreams but we are lost as to how to adjust them to fit our life as it is now.
I have hesitated many times writing anything on my blog, Simply because I am not in a Happy Place. I read so many Happy blogs. I want my blog to be pleasant and joyful. My son was such a creative, happy person and because this blog is dedicated to his memory I want it to be a place that gives the gift of a smile too you.
So next time and hopefully very soon I will share some Happy thoughts and tell you what I have been up to in my little sewing corner. I have been busy!!! I love you all and am thankful for each and everyone of my amazing followers. Some of you and you know who you are have a piece of my heart forever. Thank you.
Warm Hugs
Little "b"
PS: My name is Beverley but all my friends and family call me "b" the little part is because I am just short.
Saturday 3 March 2012
Saturday 14 January 2012
Time
I am a firm believer in time. In every room in my home there is a clock or two or maybe three. I love clocks and have always been fascinated with time or should I say a moment in time. Every clock was wound once and when it stopped that is where the hands remained. It was to remind me of the moment. To be in the moment. In that moment a baby was born, a couple were married, a loved one passed away, a celebration in life took place or maybe someone laughed or sadly cried . In that moment someones life changed for all time.
In the past months I have heard the word "time" spoken in many ways. Yesterday I was reminded of this again when someone said to me remember to "take time for yourself". I smiled and said I would try to make time. I did not explain that there wasn't anytime. That these were desperate times.
I have heard the expression. It was his time, give it time, time heals all wounds, time will tell.
Time is not something we can take, make or create or even save. Time slips away. Time is something we should savour, every second that we have, every moment. Simply because we do not know when our time will run out. There will be a time when there is no time.
So enjoy your time, this is the time of your life, I wish I had of had more time with my Son. What I have learned during these hard times. Time is a gift, a present. Don't waste time. the time is now. Tell the people you care about that you love them, make those calls, forgive and forget, tell your children how proud you are of them.
To all of you who are reading along, Thank you for your time. I love all your comments and read each one. If I have not responded to someone, I am sorry, I really am not ignoring you. It's just that my time is not my own these days. Please remember that YOU brighten my day. I hope you like the picture of my Son and a few of the quilts I have completed plus of course a Hug to be shared with all of you.
Hugs
In the past months I have heard the word "time" spoken in many ways. Yesterday I was reminded of this again when someone said to me remember to "take time for yourself". I smiled and said I would try to make time. I did not explain that there wasn't anytime. That these were desperate times.
I have heard the expression. It was his time, give it time, time heals all wounds, time will tell.
Time is not something we can take, make or create or even save. Time slips away. Time is something we should savour, every second that we have, every moment. Simply because we do not know when our time will run out. There will be a time when there is no time.
So enjoy your time, this is the time of your life, I wish I had of had more time with my Son. What I have learned during these hard times. Time is a gift, a present. Don't waste time. the time is now. Tell the people you care about that you love them, make those calls, forgive and forget, tell your children how proud you are of them.
To all of you who are reading along, Thank you for your time. I love all your comments and read each one. If I have not responded to someone, I am sorry, I really am not ignoring you. It's just that my time is not my own these days. Please remember that YOU brighten my day. I hope you like the picture of my Son and a few of the quilts I have completed plus of course a Hug to be shared with all of you.
Hugs
Tuesday 10 January 2012
Climbing a Mountain
My life during the last 18 months has in many ways felt like I have been climbing a mountain. A very large mountain. Have you ever seen photos or a documentary of someone climbing with no rope and using little pieces of rock for toe and finger holds. This has been my life.
I have no experience as a mountain climber. I just know I have to be strong enough to make it to the top of the mountain. During this climb there has not been many places to stop and take a breath or a much deserved rest. Then when I think I can not take one more step and or pull yourself up one more foot towards the top. Something wonderful happens.
Today something wonderful happened. For a few moments today I was able to stop and enjoy the beautiful sunset as I rested on the side of the mountain.
I have posted previously about some of what my family has had to endure during the past year and half. First my Husband's accident and then the unbelievable loss of my youngest son. Unfortunately that was not all and I have asked my self many times (how much can a family endure). During the past year our Son In-law was diagnosed with Cancer. You can only imagine how this family who were already raw with emotion was able to deal with this news. We were barely able to take it in. My beautiful daughter was and is so strong. We as a family were able to struggle through, and our struggle was so worth it. After surgery the Doctors were confident that they had removed all the Cancer. He will have to continue to have check ups but so far all reports have been good. This was one of the moments on the mountain that I was able to stop and enjoy the view.
But today I had another moment and I want to share it with all of you wonderful people. You have encouraged me and sent me warm wishes and I appreciate them so much. I feel that in someway my son has guided me to my quilting and to find each and everyone of you. He knew you would help me work through my grief.
Now for my news. Last month we had made arrangements with a shipping company to have all of my Son's personal items sent home. This also included all his Art work. We received his personal belongings but all of his Art work was missing. He was a gifted artist and the one painting I wanted more than anything was a self portrait. I was devastated at this additional loss. The shipping company searched every depot and found nothing. They were giving up hope but then today a miracle happened. We received a phone call that they had found his Art Work. Tonight I am resting on the side of the mountain.
I have no experience as a mountain climber. I just know I have to be strong enough to make it to the top of the mountain. During this climb there has not been many places to stop and take a breath or a much deserved rest. Then when I think I can not take one more step and or pull yourself up one more foot towards the top. Something wonderful happens.
Today something wonderful happened. For a few moments today I was able to stop and enjoy the beautiful sunset as I rested on the side of the mountain.
I have posted previously about some of what my family has had to endure during the past year and half. First my Husband's accident and then the unbelievable loss of my youngest son. Unfortunately that was not all and I have asked my self many times (how much can a family endure). During the past year our Son In-law was diagnosed with Cancer. You can only imagine how this family who were already raw with emotion was able to deal with this news. We were barely able to take it in. My beautiful daughter was and is so strong. We as a family were able to struggle through, and our struggle was so worth it. After surgery the Doctors were confident that they had removed all the Cancer. He will have to continue to have check ups but so far all reports have been good. This was one of the moments on the mountain that I was able to stop and enjoy the view.
But today I had another moment and I want to share it with all of you wonderful people. You have encouraged me and sent me warm wishes and I appreciate them so much. I feel that in someway my son has guided me to my quilting and to find each and everyone of you. He knew you would help me work through my grief.
Now for my news. Last month we had made arrangements with a shipping company to have all of my Son's personal items sent home. This also included all his Art work. We received his personal belongings but all of his Art work was missing. He was a gifted artist and the one painting I wanted more than anything was a self portrait. I was devastated at this additional loss. The shipping company searched every depot and found nothing. They were giving up hope but then today a miracle happened. We received a phone call that they had found his Art Work. Tonight I am resting on the side of the mountain.
Saturday 7 January 2012
"A Sewing Space"
I have spent the last few days creating a space for me. My own little corner of the world.
If you have read my previous post you will know that I have been sewing in my Dinning Room. It wasn't the best place but it worked for me and I was able to be close to my Husband, who was in a wheel chair.
All of my fabric, thread, rulers, patterns and maybe even the kitchen sink were packed in rubber containers. Every time I needed something, I had to unpack and sort through what I thought was the right container only to find out it would be in the last one I looked into. So for months my dinning room was always messy. This is a problem because I am not a messy person and it was driving me crazy.
During Thanksgiving and Christmas everything had to packed up and put away, so that we were able to use the dinning room for it's intended purpose.
My Husband is able to get around a little on his own (no more wheelchair). He is the most wonderful man and has worked so hard to recover from his injuries. He will never completely recover to the way he was before the accident but he will always be wonderful.
Soooooo when it came time to unpack, I decided I would find myself a little spot. I found a little table and moved everything into one of the guest bedrooms. I have a little spot under a window and it is quiet and peaceful. I emptied out a cupboard and a dresser and put everything away. Everything is neat and tidy and no more rubber containers to dig through.
It really is the little things that bring so much happiness. Now a cup of tea and I can sit back and dream of all the wonderful things I will make in my very own little space.
Hugs
Little "b"
If you have read my previous post you will know that I have been sewing in my Dinning Room. It wasn't the best place but it worked for me and I was able to be close to my Husband, who was in a wheel chair.
All of my fabric, thread, rulers, patterns and maybe even the kitchen sink were packed in rubber containers. Every time I needed something, I had to unpack and sort through what I thought was the right container only to find out it would be in the last one I looked into. So for months my dinning room was always messy. This is a problem because I am not a messy person and it was driving me crazy.
During Thanksgiving and Christmas everything had to packed up and put away, so that we were able to use the dinning room for it's intended purpose.
My Husband is able to get around a little on his own (no more wheelchair). He is the most wonderful man and has worked so hard to recover from his injuries. He will never completely recover to the way he was before the accident but he will always be wonderful.
Soooooo when it came time to unpack, I decided I would find myself a little spot. I found a little table and moved everything into one of the guest bedrooms. I have a little spot under a window and it is quiet and peaceful. I emptied out a cupboard and a dresser and put everything away. Everything is neat and tidy and no more rubber containers to dig through.
It really is the little things that bring so much happiness. Now a cup of tea and I can sit back and dream of all the wonderful things I will make in my very own little space.
Hugs
Little "b"
Wednesday 4 January 2012
It's all about the Name
This week would of been my Son's 33rd Birthday. Danny passed away suddenly on Dec 12th, 2010. His heart just stopped beating. He was to be married in April of 2011, to the love of his life.
Danny was an amazing person and gifted artist. During the past year, my world seemed to be rocked completely of it's axis.
At the time of my Son's death my wonderful Husband was recovering from a near fatal motorcycle accident.
During the past year, I needed something to help me deal with the stress. I needed something to occupy my mind and hands. So I dragged out the old sewing machine and dusted it off. I set it up on the dinning room table. My Husband was in a Wheelchair so I needed to be close by if he needed me.
I started sewing tears into stitches.
I wanted to create something in memory of my Son, I wanted to create something that would give comfort. I had heard of memory quilts. I knew how to sew but I had never quilted. I thought a quilt is like a hug and Dan gave the best bear hugs. I did my research on the Internet and found all these wonderful blogs and tutorials. I made lots of different block designs and more mistakes than I can count.
DanNy Boy Quilts was created. In the past year, I have made 15 quilts, each one made with love and hand stitched in the corner of every one is a "hug". I think my son would be proud.
Danny was an amazing person and gifted artist. During the past year, my world seemed to be rocked completely of it's axis.
At the time of my Son's death my wonderful Husband was recovering from a near fatal motorcycle accident.
During the past year, I needed something to help me deal with the stress. I needed something to occupy my mind and hands. So I dragged out the old sewing machine and dusted it off. I set it up on the dinning room table. My Husband was in a Wheelchair so I needed to be close by if he needed me.
I started sewing tears into stitches.
I wanted to create something in memory of my Son, I wanted to create something that would give comfort. I had heard of memory quilts. I knew how to sew but I had never quilted. I thought a quilt is like a hug and Dan gave the best bear hugs. I did my research on the Internet and found all these wonderful blogs and tutorials. I made lots of different block designs and more mistakes than I can count.
DanNy Boy Quilts was created. In the past year, I have made 15 quilts, each one made with love and hand stitched in the corner of every one is a "hug". I think my son would be proud.
Sunday 1 January 2012
A Thank You
It has been one year today, that I began quilting. It is without a doubt one of the smartest things I have done. I made a pledge to myself that as of today I would start blogging. I have also promised my 2 followers, yes I said two. Two wonderful amazing women who are following me even though I have never written a word on my blog. I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart for their faith in me.
Let me begin by telling you a little about myself. First: The most important is that I write the way I talk. So a warning, be prepared to be confused from time to time. Lol. Second: My blog at the moment is really bare. I do not have a banner or a display of any of the wonderful projects I completed in 2011, all of this will come in time. Third: I began quilting because I needed something to occupy my hands and mind during a time of loss.
Today is a Thank You to all the wonderful quilters who's blog I read everyday. You are amazing. You have inspired me to surpass my self imposed limits. Thank you for sharing so much of yourselves. You made me smile when I didn't feel like smiling.
A wonderful lady and friend said to me recently that I am sewing tears into stitches and a whole lot of love. Thank you for helping me deal with a year of loss and the sorrow of my grief. I will share more with you as time goes by but for now I just want to say "Thank You".
Let me begin by telling you a little about myself. First: The most important is that I write the way I talk. So a warning, be prepared to be confused from time to time. Lol. Second: My blog at the moment is really bare. I do not have a banner or a display of any of the wonderful projects I completed in 2011, all of this will come in time. Third: I began quilting because I needed something to occupy my hands and mind during a time of loss.
Today is a Thank You to all the wonderful quilters who's blog I read everyday. You are amazing. You have inspired me to surpass my self imposed limits. Thank you for sharing so much of yourselves. You made me smile when I didn't feel like smiling.
A wonderful lady and friend said to me recently that I am sewing tears into stitches and a whole lot of love. Thank you for helping me deal with a year of loss and the sorrow of my grief. I will share more with you as time goes by but for now I just want to say "Thank You".
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