My quilts are a dedication to the memory of my Son. I miss you my Danny Boy. Every Quilt is made with Love. Every stitch contains a teardrop. Every quilt gives the gift of a Hug.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Where Have I gone?

Some of you wonderful people have asked me that question recently and to be honest I ask myself that everyday.

I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that women before all of this sorrow. I don't know this person in the mirror. She looks back at me with sad eyes, tired eyes. Her hair has gone grey and she has gained enough weight to look unhealthy. Her skin is pale and the smile lines have disappeared. She looks older than she really is. Where has all the joy gone? Where is all her hopes and dreams hiding?

I really don't know who I am anymore and I wonder who I will  be when I finally emerge from this cocoon of sorrow, grief and depression? My life as I knew it has forever changed, not only for me but for my whole family.

Depression is a terrible thing, it wraps itself around you and steals your life's breath. It stops you in your tracks and you become stuck in one spot. Everyday problems become insurmountable. You sit alone on the sidelines and watch the game of life but you do not take part.

There are no words, no adjective that are adequate to describe what my Dear Hubby and I are going through each and everyday. We are suffering in our own way. Our pain is the same but different. We have lost so much. We want to help each other but we have both become a little self absorbed in dealing with  what life has handed us . All we can do is take each day and do our best. We sprinkle it with love and enclose each day with a hug, We are not ready to let go of all our dreams but we are lost as to how to adjust them to fit our life as it is now.

I have hesitated many times writing anything on my blog, Simply because I am not in a Happy Place. I read so many Happy blogs. I want my blog to be pleasant and joyful. My son was such a creative, happy person and because this blog is dedicated to his memory I want it to be a place that gives the gift of a smile too you.

So next time and hopefully very soon I will share some Happy thoughts and tell you what I have been up to in my little sewing corner. I have been busy!!! I love you all and am thankful for each and everyone of my amazing followers. Some of you and you know who you are have a piece of my heart forever. Thank you.

Warm Hugs

Little "b"

PS: My name is Beverley but all my friends and family call me "b" the little part is because I am just short.

16 comments:

camp and cottage living said...

b
I have wondered how you've been.
I'm sorry to hear of your depression, but imagine that I too
might find myself there if I had suffered what you have with the loss of your Danny boy.
I will continue to pray for your family and you and DH especially.
Please post photos of the projects you're working on. We can all leave
comment and stay connected with you that way. We don't expect you to be happy in your posting, but it
would give us a chance to encourage you and let you know we're here praying for you.
Kimberly

Flo @ Butterfly Quilting said...

I wish there were words I could say to help...but I have none. I know it is a journey that only you can find your way. But please know that a lot of people out here care,,,and it doesn't matter that you are not cheerful here...a blog is meant to give you a place to share your feelings...whatever they are. And we are happy to listen, and always glad to hear from you.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Gmama Jane said...

"b" You found me before I found you! I feel like I have found a little jewel in blogland! I can not begin to imagine your grief. I have 1 son, 2 daughters, and as much as each is loved and adored, my son and I share a special bond. I've never been able to explain it and I can't deny nor wish it away. From those feelings, I can get a glimpse of the pain and grief you must feel.
May I offer you a soft place to land, a safe place to share, and most of all a Happy place to give you "A" Hope. Look up last week's Prayer Request Sunday to understand the "A".

GOOD NEWS, You are one of my Two Winners of my little Fabric Give-Away!!

If you will send me your mailing address I'll wing some fabric your way. I hope this places a smile on your face and a resting place for the climb!
Blessings
Gmama Jane
Grandmama's Stories

jehillis@gmail.com

Kathie said...

I'm really sorry for how you are feeling but totally understand as I have had losses like yours. You write from the heart and I think your blog will help you. I never sewed before but 2 years ago I began taking quilting lessons after the death of my husband. It fills in the time.

debi said...

Depression is so hard, been there..though not to something so heart breaking as the loss of your son.

My hope is you don't feel you need to be "happy" in all your posts...let it be from the heart. I trust it is not by chance those who follow our blogs are there for a reason...to lift each other up!

We rarely understand when God takes one of ours, I believe with all I am that they are in a joyful place full of love and peace. Through God those of us left behind can find our peace and be joyful again.

God promises us, we will be together again. I hold on to that hope everyday....
Praying for you and your husband....praying you will find joy again...
Hugs!!!!!!

*Stitches* said...

Hi b, i don't know what to write, what to say...my heart is heavy. Keep posting, keep getting your feelings out...i care.
karen

Vee said...

Hi...I see that it has been awhile since you wrote this. My heart goes out to you and yet I do not know this terrible sorrow of losing a child. I don't even want to imagine. If you are still reaching out and creating that is itself a very good thing. Do you read Becky at Sweet Cottage Dreams? She lost her darling son two years ago and has posted through some difficult days. She discusses it openly. I know that she would love to have you visit. Now she would understand. Totally.

charlotte said...

b...I found you through Gmama's stories. I ache for you in your sorrow. Quilting does help when we are sorrowful. Depression hopefully will pass...soon please, God. May you find joy in your life again. I have 3 daughters and 3 grandsons and those babies are the light of my life on my worst days. Keep stitching and I will stop by again to see how you're doing. You are in my prayers.
Charlotte

*Stitches* said...

How ya doing 'b'?

Tolentreasures said...

Beverley, I have just read your WHOLE blog. I am so sorry for your loss. What a tribute to your son through your quilting. I'll be following along!

Cathy

Michelle said...

Dear b I am so sorry to hear of the lose of your son. I just dropped by to tell you ,that you won the dishwasher magnet cover from my giveaway. Please e-mail me your address at dusty198909@yahoo.com

Charlotte said...

Hi b, I came over after reading your comment on my giveaway. I am so dreadfully sorry for your loss. It sounds as though life is giving your family such a hard and unfair time at the moment. It is impossible for me to fully understand how you must be feeling but I desperately hope that things start to get easier for you and that the depression lifts.
I'm going to email you or this comment will end up ridiculously long!

notes of sincerity said...

I wish I could just reach through my computer and give you a big hug. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and for the residual pain you feel from day to day.
I am praying for you. xoxo

Danice said...

Hello b. I still pray for you. I hope all is going well, as you have not posted in a while. I will check on you blog often, OK? Blessings ♥

My Sister Made Me Do It.... said...

I think of you often and wonder how you are getting along.....I hope you are doing better. I know time doesn't lessen the pain for you will always have a hole in your heart til you see your Danny Boy again but I hope that you know that you have people who care about you.......I love your writing. I hope you will find the strength to write again.........

camp and cottage living said...

b
Here we are going into a new year and I am cleaning out my old e-mails.
I saw yours at the bottom and I am just wondering how you are doing...
I have thought of you, but for some reason couldn't find this old e-mail.
I would love to hear how you are.
Blessings-Kimberly